Ire of Newt, Claw of Mitt

This term I am fortunate enough to have drawn Brit Lit I, and it is my intension to expose my students to portions of one of the most, if not the most, important epic in the English language: John Milton’s Paradise Lost. According to Christian mythos, about seven or eight Millennia ago (give or take a begat), Lucifer, the Fallen Angel, swam across the great Chaos from the fire and brimstone of Pandemonium to a Paradise on our own Earth.  Upon arrival he took the form of a Serpent and persuaded Eve to partake of the Forbidden Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  It is for this transgression that we are cast out by the Almighty into a world of Toil and Trouble.  And it is also for this transgression that Snakes and Serpents are required to slither along the Earth, for in those times they are said to have walked upon legs.

Now, why Eve opted for Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, I could never quite figure out.  I mean, there was another tree in Paradise: the Tree of Life.  And one thing I could really go for is more Life and less Knowledge. Oh well. Maybe she was hungry. Or maybe I should just accept that the Devil made her do it. Lord knows I’ve used that excuse….

And not coincidentally, it is only with such logic that I can explain the return to political significance of the aptly amphibiously handled Newt Gingrich: the Old Fellow made us do it. Now, if you are at all familiar with the author’s politics, you might guess that I would regard the prospect of a Gingrich Presidency with an overwhelming mixture of revulsion and fear. You would be wrong. In fact, this Serpent on legs might be just what America and the world need to get back on track. I mean, if arguing against straw men, stereotyping marginalized groups, insulting the opposition, and generally inciting fear and hatred in order to win, win, WIN isn’t good enough to fix our problems…then I fear we are beyond Salvation. But I’ll have to save a more extended case supporting a Gingrich Presidency for a future blog.  For our concern here is not whether Newt’s return should happen, whether or not it is Good News; rather I am merely stating that Newt’s return has happened and that it matters.

In fact, a week ago I was prepared to proclaim the nomination of Salamander Grinch a mere formality. He was surging in both the national and Florida polls.  And, let’s face it, Mitt Romney is the political equivalent of Michael Bolton: as long as he’s in the background no one notices, but as soon as someone turns up the volume the chorus shrieks, “Turn that shit off!... Now!”  And, hey, for all the toxicity of Cynops, the firebelly Newt, no one would ever condemn this half-man/half-serpent as anything less than entertaining. I mean, despite Milton’s best intentions, Satan steals the Epic…and it is for this reason that William Blake once said that “Milton was of the Republican Party without having known it.” Can you imagine the sorts of galling insults that the Gingrich campaign would have trotted out in an attempt to beat President Obama? My guess is that by the time November rolled around, Stephen Colbert’s parodies of SuperPAC attack ads would have seemed quite sober by comparison.

But, alas, Newt seems poised to lose tomorrow.  It seems that the Serpent’s lisp has not succeeded in seducing us sufficiently… SSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssss….

But never fear folks.  For those of you who hate the Kenyan, European, Socialist, Fascist, Jeremiah Wright lovin’ Muslim Obama, the GOP has something for even better than Newt fucking Gingrich: Mitt Romney.

I know, I know. He’s boring. But hear me out.

Ya see Satan is Evil. He has a moral code…whereas Mitt has none. Whatever you need him to say he believes to get elected, that’s what he will say.  He will distance himself from Reagan and then extol Reagan. He will sign RomneyCare and then oppose ObamaCare. He is pro-choice then pro-life. He's for Senate Bill 5 and then against it.  ...that’s just off the top of my head. And the challenge isn’t in any attempt to figure out what he really believes, because Mitt Romney doesn’t believe anything at all...other than that he should win. Mitt Romney is even better than Evil: he’s a Sociopath.  Children, he’s the ultra-rich son of Governor that’s been running for President longer than my daughter has been alive. Not only does he not care about the poor: he has no concept of the problems that they face, and, even better, he doesn’t care. And really, what’s worse than hating the Other?  I’d say that it’s just not giving a shit about them.  Satan wanted God and Man to feel like he felt. Boring old Jeffrey Dahmer didn’t hate anybody: he just wanted to molest your corpse and then eat you. 

Come on GOP!  You don’t want to make liberals miserable. Hello!  Been there, done that. Does George W. Bush ring any bells?

No, no. You want to cut us out entirely…and then molest our corpses…and then eat us.  That’s the only suitable revenge for our having elected an African-American moderate to the Presidency.  Romney 2012.